It doesn’t always look the way people expect, either. Sometimes, the moms who are suffering the most appear to have everything under control, says Jayme Scarfo, a licensed professional counselor in Surprise, Ariz., who specializes in working with pregnant and postpartum women. They’re showering, cooking, going to the gym, and insisting: “It’s hard, but don’t worry. I’ve got it.”
You don’t need to decide whether someone meets the diagnostic criteria before checking in. Describe what you’ve noticed without labeling her, Scarfo suggests: “I know this is a huge adjustment, and you haven’t seemed like yourself lately. How are you really doing?” Or: “You seem much more anxious than usual, and I’m worried about you. Can we talk about it?”
Consider who should initiate that conversation, too. “The best person to ask those hard questions is often going to be whoever she feels the least pressure to perform for,” Scarfo says. That might be a sister, best friend, therapist, or fellow mom—not necessarily her partner or mother.