By JULIUS F. SMITH
We’ve all done it. Settled on the sofa with your phone in hand, losing twenty minutes to a video of some hapless homeowner being torn apart online.
Sometimes it’s for letting their garden turn into a jungle, other times for leaving bins to overflow on to the pavement or having their guests spill into the street at 3am.
We shake our heads, we mutter ‘some people’ under our breath and then we feel rather pleased with ourselves for being such considerate, model neighbours.
But hold on a moment. Before you get too comfortable on your high horse, it might be worth asking a rather uncomfortable question: is it possible that you are the nightmare neighbour?
That the sighs and closed curtains on your street aren’t about the family two doors down, but about you?
Read on to discover the 17 tell-tale signs it might be time for a little self-reflection…
Julius F Smith, former royal butler and founder of Regal Afternoon Tea, shares 17 signs that you might be a nightmare neighbour – and how it might be time for a little self-reflection
1. You let the children out to play at the crack of dawn
The weekend has finally arrived and all anyone wants is a lie-in. Instead of birdsong, the first sound of the day is a small human shrieking with joy in next door’s garden.
Nobody wants to stifle a child’s delight, but there is a strong case for keeping them indoors, or at least reasonably hushed, before 8am on a Saturday or Sunday.
Your neighbours will love you for it, and you might just get that extra hour in bed you’ve been dreaming about all week.
2. Everyone can hear your Zoom call through the open bifold doors
As if noisy children weren’t enough, there’s also the small matter of the neighbour working from home.
It’s 11am and you’re after a moment of peace – but suddenly the bifold doors next door swing open and a conference call booms across the garden.
As fascinating as your quarterly targets may be to you, they do very little for the rest of the street.
If you must take the call outside, at least have the decency to keep the volume down, or better yet, keep the doors shut until you’ve hung up.
3. You use next door as your personal delivery depot, and rarely collect anything
Everybody likes to be a good neighbour and taking in a parcel for someone who’s out is a small, easy kindness.
The trouble starts when it becomes a habit – or an unspoken expectation, when you need reminding to actually collect your things.
If this sounds familiar, a small thank-you gift or a handwritten note now and then would go a long way towards keeping the good will flowing, rather than testing everyone’s patience.
4. You are the proud owner of a very noisy hot tub
Take your mind back to the pandemic, when every household seemed to acquire a hot tub and everyone else had to hear about how marvellous they were.
Thankfully the craze has cooled somewhat, but a hardcore contingent still like to bubble away late into the night, shouting over the jets to be heard and blissfully unaware of the rest of the street trying to sleep.
If that’s you, perhaps it’s time the celebrations wrapped up a little earlier.
5. You mow the lawn just as everyone’s sitting down to dinner
This particular crime has been on hiatus lately thanks to a distinctly ungenerous summer for grass, but it will return with a vengeance the moment the sun reappears.
Nothing quite ruins a quiet supper like the roar of a lawnmower starting up next door at 7pm. If you really must tend to the lawn at that hour, it costs nothing to pop your head over the fence first and check nobody minds.
6. You overwhelm your neighbours with invitations and conversation
There’s a fine line between friendly and full-on, and some of us can end up crossing it without realising.
If there’s anything more wearing than a neighbour who blanks you entirely, it’s one who can’t read the boundaries. And no, we don’t mean the garden fence.
Constant invitations and marathon chats over the wall might feel like community spirit to you, but those on the receiving end may just be trying to get on with their evening.
7. You throw parties without any warning whatsoever
Evening falls, and suddenly a thud through the wall announces that the party has begun with no warning, no heads-up, nothing. It could carry on for hours and you have absolutely no idea when it might end.
Calling the police is an option if things get out of hand, but it rarely improves relations. A simple message beforehand, or even an invitation would spare everyone the ordeal.
8. You never stop complaining about the other neighbours
Often we’re justified when we grumble about a loud or inconsiderate neighbour, but there comes a point where the complaining itself becomes the nuisance.
Nobody wants to be cornered for the tenth time this month with an update on the family at number twelve.
Every now and then, try finding something nice to say about someone instead – you might be surprised how much lighter it makes the mood on the street.
9. You park outside your neighbour’s house instead of your own
Parking has become one of the great modern flashpoints between neighbours, especially on streets where every household seems to have several cars.
Nobody owns the road outside their own front door, technically speaking, but that doesn’t stop feelings running high when a stranger’s car appears there every single day.
A little consideration goes a long way, particularly for anyone who struggles to walk any distance from their car to their door.
10. You watch your neighbours come and go a little too closely
Some of us fancy ourselves the street’s answer to Miss Marple, twitching the curtains every time someone leaves the house.
Annoying as it is to be watched, there is, admittedly, an upside: anything genuinely out of the ordinary tends to get spotted rather quickly. Insurance companies, frankly, ought to offer a discount for having one of these vigilant types living next door.
11. You’ve taken to feeding your neighbour’s cat
Most of us are fond of a moggy, but unless you’ve been explicitly asked to feed one, it’s worth pausing before you start leaving out treats.
Imagine the awkward conversation if something were to happen to the cat and the owners assumed the worst about your snacks. A friendly stroke as it wanders past is generally as far as this one should go.
12. You don’t always remember to shut the blinds
Everyone forgets occasionally that the curtains are open while getting changed; it happens to the best of us.
The trouble comes when it becomes a habit rather than a one-off slip, because that’s the point at which you risk turning your street into an unofficial peep show. A quick check before you get changed will spare your neighbours’ blushes – and yours.
13. Your garden has started spilling into next door’s
We all know the neighbour who measures their garden boundary to the inch and mows precisely up to the line.
Then there’s their opposite number: the one who lets hedges creep, branches overhang and general greenery sprawl into the garden next door, then bristles if anyone dares to trim it back.
If that sounds like you, it might be time to grab the shears and show a little more respect for the fence line.
14. Your dog barks constantly and you’ve learned to ignore it
It’s often the smallest dogs that bark the loudest, and it doesn’t take much to set them off: a passing car, a delivery van, next door’s cat. A dog barking away all day and into the evening is more than enough to test anyone’s patience.
If yours has become background noise to you, it’s worth remembering it almost certainly isn’t background noise to anyone else on the street.
15. You’ve resorted to banging on the walls to shush people
Thumping on the wall to signal that someone next door needs to pipe down is a time-honoured tradition, but in many newer builds the walls are thin enough that you risk putting your fist clean through the plasterboard.
It’s certainly a step up from the days when grandparents would bang a walking stick on the floor or ceiling to make their feelings known, but perhaps a polite word is the safer option these days.
16. You set off fireworks for absolutely no reason at all
Fireworks used to be reserved for Bonfire Night on November 5, but these days they seem to go off at any excuse, whether it’s birthdays, football wins or simply someone’s whim on a random Tuesday.
Spare a thought for the local pets, who at least stand a chance of coping if there’s some warning beforehand. A firework going off unannounced can set off a chain reaction of barking dogs and furious neighbours in equal measure.
17. You have a barbecue on rotation, rain or shine
There’s little to rival the smell of a barbecue sizzling away on a summer evening, the first time, anyway. Do it every other night, however, and the charcoal smoke drifting down the street starts to lose its charm rather quickly for everyone who isn’t invited.
If you’re that keen on firing up the grill, you could always extend the invitation to your neighbours, it might just save you a few awkward glances over the fence.
So, did any of these ring uncomfortably true? Don’t panic, being a good neighbour isn’t about perfection; it’s about having a little awareness and putting effort into the occasional act of consideration.
A closed door during a work call, a quick text before a party or simply keeping the fireworks for November 5 could be all it takes to turn you from the nightmare next door into the neighbour everyone’s actually rather glad to have.